“Lord, I beg you… do not let me mess this up!”
As I look out my window, in the rare stillness of my home as tears flow I pray “Lord, I beg you… do not let me mess this up!”
Lately I have seen the big picture clearer and much BIGGER than ever before. The weight of my responsibility is sinking in. I have to raise these 4 kids (hopefully more) in the fear and admonition of the Lord? Me? As a homeschooler, I have to teach them everything they should know? I must show my kids the Gospel? Not just “share” the gospel, bible songs and bible stories…but SHOW them Christ?! Christ through me. It is my responsibility to cultivate in my girls a pure heart in order to be a devoted disciple of the Lord, develop a virtuous character so that they may be excellent wives themselves one day. WOW! Me? Maybe God messed this one up! He surely did not pick an accredited (LOL) and qualified being for this task when He chose me. The thought of what my call is, my mission field within my home brings me to my knees. I have to live in the presence of the Lord daily, prayer walking my day if I want to live excellently. Nothing is hindering my walk with Him right now, I am so dependent on Him I simply can’t afford unconfessed sin or a pinch or self-reliance. I need Him. I need all of Him and desperately because I can’t do it. When I realized this I cried to my husband…I told Him…Honey what if I mess this up? What if I mess them up? What if they don’t learn what they are supposed to? What if they don’t walk with the Lord when they grow up? His response, “honey, you are IN the center of God’s will…whatever He wills for these children He will give you the strength to accomplish.” I am so in love with that man. He is the one I run to when I am fearful…He is the one I run to when I need someone to show me Christ.
As I have been in prayer all day, going back and forth between trusting Him and His sovereignty and worrying. He gently reminds me that I can’t! That’s right! I can’t! Not without Him, not on my own…I need Him. This is exactly where He wants me. Here I am worried about where I should be, what I might be missing and He whispers, YOU ARE RIGHT WHERE I WANT YOU. I smiled and my eyes watered again. I realized that in my weakness, He is strong. If He called me, He will equip me! If He entrusted these precious blessings to us is because He has an amazing plan for their lives and He will use me to bring that to fruition. I am not adequate, or equipped, or super intelligent, nor a theological genius…but I AM exactly what He wants me to be. Beautifully broken. Broken at His feet, fully dependent on Him for every breath I take. When I step back and look at the big picture, it is terrifying. All they need to learn, all they need to be, all God has planned for them clashes with everything I am NOT. It doesn’t add up until’ I survey the wonderous cross. I have learned so much from these little ones. I have learned patience, perseverance, faith, unconditional love, forgiveness and how to live on my knees. God is using me to shape and mold them into the godly young men and women they will be one day and using them to sanctify me. To change me and mold me into the woman He created me to be. It’s a difficult and at times painful process, yet very necessary in the life of the saint.
Doubt in our ability to fulfill our call is satan’s number one tool. If he can get you to doubt, he can bring in fear and if fear is fed it is paralyzing. THAT is what the enemy wants. To paralyze you and make you ineffective. In times like this, we have to draw near to God and cling as for dear life to all the wonderful promises in His word. He never said being a wife and mother would be a breeze, He just promised to be with you every step of the way. 🙂 Motherhood isn’t glamorous, it isn’t hip BUT it pays with hugs and kisses! At times we may feel it is a thankless job at best and an insignificant one at worst. God says it is THE best job a woman can have. He called the woman who is a devoted homemaker, a virtuous woman. How we feel about our role, as real as it may be is unreliable at best. So we must meditate on how God feels and has said about our role.