“Lord, I beg you… do not let me mess this up!”

As I look out my window, in the rare stillness of my home as tears flow I pray “Lord, I beg you… do not let me mess this up!”

Lately I have seen the big picture clearer and much BIGGER than ever before. The weight of my responsibility is sinking in. I have to raise these 4 kids (hopefully more) in the fear and admonition of the Lord? Me? As a homeschooler, I have to teach them everything they should know? I must show my kids the Gospel? Not just “share” the gospel, bible songs and bible stories…but SHOW them Christ?! Christ through me. It is my responsibility to cultivate in my girls a pure heart in order to be a devoted disciple of the Lord, develop a virtuous character so that they may be excellent wives themselves one day. WOW! Me? Maybe God messed this one up! He surely did not pick an accredited (LOL) and qualified being for this task when He chose me. The thought of what my call is, my mission field within my home brings me to my knees. I have to live in the presence of the Lord daily, prayer walking my day if I want to live excellently. Nothing is hindering my walk with Him right now, I am so dependent on Him I simply can’t afford unconfessed sin or a pinch or self-reliance. I need Him. I need all of Him and desperately because I can’t do it. When I realized this I cried to my husband…I told Him…Honey what if I mess this up? What if I mess them up? What if they don’t learn what they are supposed to? What if they don’t walk with the Lord when they grow up? His response, “honey, you are IN the center of God’s will…whatever He wills for these children He will give you the strength to accomplish.” I am so in love with that man. He is the one I run to when I am fearful…He is the one I run to when I need someone to show me Christ.

As I have been in prayer all day, going back and forth between trusting Him and His sovereignty and worrying. He gently reminds me that I can’t! That’s right! I can’t! Not without Him, not on my own…I need Him. This is exactly where He wants me. Here I am worried about where I should be, what I might be missing and He whispers, YOU ARE RIGHT WHERE I WANT YOU. I smiled and my eyes watered again. I realized that in my weakness, He is strong. If He called me, He will equip me! If He entrusted these precious blessings to us is because He has an amazing plan for their lives and He will use me to bring that to fruition. I am not adequate, or equipped, or super intelligent, nor a theological genius…but I AM exactly what He wants me to be. Beautifully broken. Broken at His feet, fully dependent on Him for every breath I take. When I step back and look at the big picture, it is terrifying. All they need to learn, all they need to be, all God has planned for them clashes with everything I am NOT. It doesn’t add up until’ I survey the wonderous cross. I have learned so much from these little ones. I have learned patience, perseverance, faith, unconditional love, forgiveness and how to live on my knees. God is using me to shape and mold them into the godly young men and women they will be one day and using them to sanctify me. To change me and mold me into the woman He created me to be. It’s a difficult and at times painful process, yet very necessary in the life of the saint.

Doubt in our ability to fulfill our call is satan’s number one tool. If he can get you to doubt, he can bring in fear and if fear is fed it is paralyzing. THAT is what the enemy wants. To paralyze you and make you ineffective. In times like this, we have to draw near to God and cling as for dear life to all the wonderful promises in His word. He never said being a wife and mother would be a breeze, He just promised to be with you every step of the way. 🙂 Motherhood isn’t glamorous, it isn’t hip BUT it pays with hugs and kisses! At times we may feel it is a thankless job at best and an insignificant one at worst. God says it is THE best job a woman can have. He called the woman who is a devoted homemaker, a virtuous woman. How we feel about our role, as real as it may be  is unreliable at best. So we must meditate on how God feels and has said about our role.

When I am scared, I will run to God. When I feel inadequate, it is He who validates me. When I feel I can’t do this, it is Him to carries me through. When I am uncertain about the future, I remind myself I am the daughter of the King…The creator of the Universe hold my past, present and future in His nail pierced hands. He has my best interest at heart! He called me therefore he will equip me as I abide in Him daily.

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About Disciple of Christ, Wife, Mommy of 5 blessings & NM Top Earner.

As a wife, homeschooling stay at home mom of 5 beautiful blessings, taxi, chef, doctor, philosopher etc, my life is full of adventures everyday. Most of the adventures lead me to find another lost piece of my identity concealed deep within my heart. I have always felt that there was more to life than just “making it through”. After 5 little ones (4 under 4 & in diapers), I lost all the pieces I had found along the way. I was left with thinking my identity was being a wife and mom. “This can’t be all there is to me!”, I reasoned. Who am I? What’s in my heart? Why do I thrive around beauty and my heart leaps for joy when experiencing something as simple as a sunset. A feeling like I am free, inside. My heart can breathe again as if it had been holding its oxygen all along. Did God make me like this, I wondered? I felt guilty for longing to let my heart be free once again. After all the picture we have of a “perfect” woman is one that is ALWAYS busy! Always volunteering, always giving of herself with never once a thought of the state of her inner being. That is why we lose our hearts. Vulnerability is not welcomed anywhere. Femininity in its purest form is frowned upon. Why? Because women are supposed to be tough! The kind of tough that is just wrong. We are trained to hide our vulnerability, along with our femininity, very early in life. The wounds we have received as little girls leave us reacting as women like that wounded little girl would: we retreat, we regress. The message we received? You can’t trust anyone! Your femininity and vulnerability is a weakness. Most of us walk through life “playing” or pretending to be someone we’re truly not. As adults, we make choices based on how we were programmed when we were young. The real us hides somewhere inside, waiting to be rescued. Like a wounded animal hiding from its master, wanting to trust and soar again, but so afraid of the uncertainty that awaits. The risk is not worth it, we think to ourselves. To be quite honest most of you have not found a safe place to be yourselves. Embarking on a quest to find the real you takes courage. God created you in His image. Adam bears the image of a warrior God. A man is supposed to tell the world, on God’s behalf, He will come through for you. Eve bears the image of a captivating God and her heart is made to show His beauty. A woman is supposed to tell the world, everything is ok. She is that calm & quiet spirit. Safety; a place of refuge and healing beauty. This is what our hearts long for; Eden. The place for which we were created. The place in our hearts we know we belong. I am just a simple girl on a quest to finding my heart. Not the way I was “shaped” by the world but the way God created me. I pray that this journey will be encouraging and uplifting to others. I am going on an adventure and invite you to come with me! I am very transparent because that is what this world needs! With all my love, Laire

Posted on February 1, 2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. It really is SO true! I’m NOT able- but my God is Able!!! He is the only way I am making it through – we have one son in particular who is pushing me beyond my limits – he has some issues we are working on daily – he’s adopted and the birth mother did drugs, he suffered neglect & abuse – God is healing my precious baby – and He is carrying me through each day along the way. Pray for Spence if you think to because there is a spiritual battle going on over him for sure. It’s God’s victory – I’m not able. 🙂

    • Ohhh sweet friend…I will definitively keep Spence in my prayers. God is faithful indeed and I am blessed to know that he was blessed with godly parents that will love him and guide him to the Lord. We ALL have one child that drives us bananas! Mine is my 3 year old. She is girl, strong willed, opinionated and thinks the world revolves around her. Nowhere near the issues you may be experiencing with your son…but nontheless I become weary at times 🙂 We all fight different battles, yet God’s grace is all sufficient. 🙂 You aren’t alone in this walk…if you need someone to talk to you can always email me Laire7@me.com. I am always here for you! ❤
      In His Grace,
      Laire

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